since I've written on here. And the truth is, I have no excuses. I was just out, livin' life, doin' my thang.
But now I'm back. At least for today.
Things have changed. I mean really changed. Since the last time I wrote, I danced (what I thought was) my last recital, had a summer full of fun, friends, and memories, went to orientation at my college (scared senseless, of course), moved away from home, started school, made new friends...There is not one thing in my life that is the same. Even my faith has grown and the relationships I have with my family have become stronger.
I'm feeling the need to write today mostly to get everything out of my head. And to be able to look back on the way I'm feeling right now when I want to give up.
When I came to school, I started out as an Architecture major. I thought it would be this magnificent journey of creating and that everything was going to work out so perfectly. I thought for years and years that this is what I wanted to do. Then, I realized through the classes I was taking that this is not at all what I thought it would be. I quickly went and switched my major, and I am now much happier as a Business Major with a concentration in Accounting.
It sounds like such a simple process on paper. That this is what happened and this is how I fixed it and this decision came to me so easily. Well it didn't. I went through much frustration and unhappy days feeling like I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life anymore. I thought that building homes for people who couldn't afford them was the only way that I could live a life pleasing to God. I simply just couldn't see my life any other way.
I had suddenly lost sight of the ambitious, dreamer that I once was. I remembered my original dream, from elementary school of growing up to have my own studio, and teach the passion that I have to others. After a lot of fear and praying I have realized that this is still a dream of mine. It sure took me a lot of crappy things and decisions to realize it, but it is still my dream.
I had never realized how much I truly valued dance until I wasn't doing it anymore. The past 7 months without it have been possibly the most torturous 7 months of my life. One of the ministers at the campus ministry group that I attend always stresses to do what we love, or we're going to be miserable. To go to school for a degree in a field that we are absolutely passionate about.
The other day it came up in a conversation that I feel like I could just dance for the rest of my life, and be perfectly content. And his response? "So why not do it?"
And he's right. Why would I waste the one life I have doing something I'm not totally in love with. And now I realize that I can touch so many people's lives and bring the love of the Lord to so many people through dance, too. Architecture is not the only way.
Maria Kochetkova, a dancer with San Francisco Ballet said, "It's not so much about the talent it's about how much you want to do it, how smart you work, and how smart you accept all the difficulties that come your way because there will be many, but they are there to make you stronger. Not to push you away from what you love."
And yes, it took me a lot of stress and tears to figure out that this is where I'm supposed to be, but now I know. And I won't forget it.
And other than that, I worry about things that most girls my age do too. Like who am I going to marry? Will I ever even get married? Will I get to have the blessing of children? And honestly, I've come to accept the fact that I won't know the answers to these questions until they happen. That God is the only one who does know and I need to wake up and trust him with these things.
Ultimately, that is my lesson in this, and it is something that I wanted to share with you all. God has a plan for you, and all the worrying that you're doing is senseless. He's got this. Just be patient, and don't worry. He's got you in His hands, and He won't drop you :)